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I have permission off Kibummies wife and Ki to post on here as it is about the persons in question. 

I'm not the type of person to be emotional or talkative if about myself or friends and quite honestly I distrust people so I avoid them and I dislike un-needed contact. 
Yet since April, Since Kibummie died that has all changed.... Well no I still hate all the above but I tolerate it for certain people. 
*Looks plainly at his wife* 

I was told that is is good to let things out so I am doing so right here, But I want to apologize in advance, not saying what for 
Also in advance this may get long, may not.

There has always been the 4 of us for as long as I choose to remember, Myself the eldest, Kibummie the unofficial leader, Sleepy the annoying yet smart caring one and Ki or little chatterbox or dancing machine.
 We didn't need nor wanted anyone else in our little make shift family. 
Some of what I type may come out harsh but frankly I don't give a fuck.

Even though at the beginning Kibummie didn't talk to us(Me and Sleepy) we still got along maybe it was because we all have history, some call it troubled backgrounds, Guess depends on your view on it.
We all had something that made us like what we were, Firstly we are all Asian in the united kingdom wether we were born here or brought here.
And apart from Ki none of us had a real family due to one reason or another,
Although Ki barely saw his parents between his schooling and studying and their work commitments.

Mine kicked me out over a stupid reason that I would rather not get into right now, and we still have a rocky relationship. The last time I saw them was after Kibummies funeral we took his ashes to Japan and took him to his favorite place of all time.
My parents saw me as I was heading out to a bar and told me in front of their neighbors "If it isn't our disgrace that got our little girl killed" to add to it the best line a child can hear from there own parents, "You should've died not your sister"

Kibummie's mum died and his dad brought them to england due to work yet stress and grief over took his fatherly duties and he dumped them, Kibummie was raised in a care home. Before he passed away his father contacted him after over 12 years of no contact to beg for forgiveness before he died. 
and his brother well the less said about him the better.

Sleepy.... Well he refuses to discuss these things but what we do know was his mum left the house one day and never came back, No explanation nothing. He says he doesn't remember ever seeing his dad, He lived by the kindness of strangers until he ran into me, Literally it was raining so hard and he had no jacket or coat or umbrella and was trying to run to somewhere dry. I took him to mine and eventually he moved in, well unofficially as till this day he says he doesn't live here yet spends nearly everyday at mine.

   Me, Bummie and sleepy were in the same year in highschool when we met Bummie and Ki 
Ki is 2/3 years younger then us and was still in primary school at the time, even so we hung out after school and in the holidays, Ki taught us all to dance and he often played sports in the park with his older brother and when he did, sleepy would sleep, and Kibummie would read this tatty old Japanese book or watch the clouds and I would draw.

I have known sleepy the longest though and came to know the other two a year and a bit later.

I remember this time, I was upset over a letter I had recieved from my parents and was soon after my sister had died, that I ran away.
Sleepy had tried to find me for 2 days with no luck so he contacting Kibummie as Ki was away visiting his grandparents. 

  While I still don't know how he did it, Kibummie found me, He had not spoken with us much still, and never without Ki there but I demanded How he found me? Why did he come find me?
he looked from the window where his gaze was to me before smiling softly "We are family aren't we? that is why and as for how..... Because you wanted to be found." he paused and before I could speak he lost his smile and continued "You wanted to lose yourself because you didn't think you could be found but deep down inside that's all you wanted so I'm here for you"
   I cried that day and bummie held me not saying anything more just sat on the floor as I cried into his chest, he didn't move even though he must of been uncomfortable.
He held me till i regained myself, and as i looked up as was starting to get dark he wiped my face with his sleeve and said softly "Let's go home the rest of our family is worried"
I let him lead me home to a 100 questions from sleepy all the while he remained quiet not telling him or anyone thhe details of that day.

Because that is who he was, Kind, Caring  he came when needed and spoke when we neeeded to hear it and remained silent when we needed a ear or just the silent precence of a friend.
I will be forever grateful that he found me that day, cause when i think back on it he was right i was testing my friends because of my family. I wanted to give up and would of if i weren't found by him.
  I remember every place that sleepy had listed that he looked and how hard he tried to find me and how worried Ki was when he landed in England after his trip he ran all way from his home to mine and scolded me as if he was the older one, which caused Kibummie to laugh uncontrollably.

There are so so many memories and thoughts in my head and all about these 3 friends, and sometimes about a lost love that was unknown and one sided.
Sometimes even though the memories are happy ones I can't help but be sad, Angry and down because everything has changed all in such a short period of time.
And I'm selfish doing this and that is why if I can give up my lost love so they are happy i can live with the changes that need to be made.

I hope that Ki will always always follow his dreams and even when life knocks you down or throws you a curve ball you get back up and tell the world "Screw you all I can do this" I have faith in you and don't forget me when you a world class dancer.

and Sleepy.... You have a boyfriend and a great opportunity here, so don't give it up because of a asshole like me, I will live life even if alone. I wont give up I made promises after all 

   Kibummie couldn't keep his because of his health but i can and will keep mine, So move to whereever you want and be with you're boyfriend, I'm a big boy now sleepy I can handle myself.
And hope your reading this because I will never tell you this in person.

I love you both and lets all meet again ne?

Ja Sleepy......  


Ok this Journal is for my Girlfriend...

I met my Girlfriend through Role-playing Account on Facebook, When I met her I knew her as a Guy, as Minho not as the beautiful girl I know now. 
The first day I spoke to Minho was on a group chat and I was new to Facebook and role-playing there was a Taeyang cosplayer, and I got told off because I was up very late and even though Minho barely knew me was concerned for my sleeping.

Minho was in a relationship at the time so I keep things to myself... I got into a on-line relationship with someone I had no feelings for that someone HURT me in whatever way she could and the only person that stood by me was Minho.

Minho got hurt by people on-line and I hated it, I hated seeing the person that I had feelings for hurt over and over by people that claimed to be a friend, or loved them but i held my tongue cause I thought that was better for Minho that way I held, I comforted in anyway I could. 

I eventually ended it with the girl that hurt me over and over again, and I confessed to both the Role-play account Minho and her own account Joanne. But we needed time as she was dealing with personal things so after short time after things were sorted a little I asked her out on the role play account as I didn't have a personal one... Eventually 13days after dating I created a personal one and asked her Real life account 7th December we got together as Kibum and Minho, and 20th December we got together as Mao and Joanne. 

I was asked why I loved her once.... Answer is simple...
  She is a kind, caring and loving person but sometimes she doesn't see it herself. Her family and people that class themselves as her friends lowered her self confidence.
But they are wrong First day we met she was concerned over my health as was very very late 3am in the morning she demanded I go to bed and sleep, She stayed up late herself to help not only me but others some of which can't be helped.
They abused her trust and caring nature and caused her pain, So I vowed to help her too.
She saved me without realizing it and probably never will fully, and I will never forget that and I love her for that. 

I feel bad though cause no matter how much i love her i'm hurting her because of something out of my control 
I will always love her but i'm scared of what is going to happen when i leave. 

My friends are worried about her hurting in the end when i'm not here but i want to remain selfish and stay with her till the end. 
when some think it will be easier to end it so she can move of with us remaining friends.

I dont know how long i have left, and i'm not optimistic all the time but i will fight this even if i cant win.

Joanne chau i love you and will always be with you  


Writer's Block: Love is in the Air

A full day date, Start off with a nice breakfast in bed if you can't cook then go to local bakery and buy things, after getting ready take a  nice walk hand in hand through a beautiful park or down a beach pending where you live, let your childish sides out amusement parks, fair laugh and enjoy every moment of the date. Finish date by romantic meal then watch the sunset holding your loved one near.
Describe the perfect date.

Writer's Block: Sh*t Happens

There is no way to develop it you have to learn to think about those around you, and realize when things happen they can get better maybe not straight away but they can and will you can't give up when things get hard because if you do you can't always find yourself. 
What is the best way to develop a positive attitude?

Writer's Block: A La Mode

SHINee .... mainly Kim Kibum (Key) they set trends a lot love to follow 
Who or what is your fashion icon?

Writer's Block: TMI

My gay friend once said to me "For 3 months every time I went out I dressed like a girl so me and my boyfriend(now husband) would get abuse from HOMOPHOBIC people"
What is the strangest thing someone has confessed to you?

Writer's Block: Taste the Rainbow

Purple and would taste like rich sun kissed grapes freshly picked at the best time 
If you could taste color, what would your favorite color taste like?

Writer's Block: Dear God

Why are the innocent people, sometimes young people hurting and suffering when people labelled evil or bad can sell drug and kill happily
If you could ask God one question, what would it be?

Writer's Block: Ties That Bind

9 people i call true friends 
How many friends do you have?